My own flesh

Saturday, June 25, 2010

I had the strangest dream last night. The dream seemed to span the course of a day. We were at Jeff and Amber's house doing many things but nothing in particular. We played in the pool, we spent time with the baby, I ordered cosmetics from Amber, and I helped her mom make dinner. We were preparing to celebrate the one month anniversary of Mahina's birth. Night was approaching, we were sitting on their living room floor, Adam was having a beer. Something knocked the beer over. I say "something" because no one touched it, no one was touching the little table that it sat upon. Something bumped into me, bumped into Adam, bumped into Evangeline. We were speechless, shocked. I was bumped again, this time harder. Adam too. Evangeline was struck hard, knocked flat to the floor from her seated position. We were standing now, Adam grabbed Evangeline and pushed her to me. She clung to me and I held her tight. Something was pulling her away from me. I could see her hair being yanked. I pulled her to me with my left arm, and with my right hand I grabbed at what I couldn't see. I lunged forward intending to smash into it with my head and rip into it wit my teeth. I cried out and woke up. My own hand was in my mouth, my teeth digging into my own flesh.

Better now.

So off he went on his business trip. I cried as I dropped him at the curb at the airport, not because he'd be gone a terribly long time, but because we were parting with so many matters left unsettled.

The obstacles that had to be overcome in order to communicate while we were apart were many - the 16 hour flight, no international cell phone service, and an 18 hour time difference, just to name a few. These obstacles were of course stacked upon our other obvious recent communication issues made up mostly of angry words, hurtful tones, and hidden feelings. So days went by before I even heard from him. And when he finally called I let him spend precious moments with Evangeline.

But Absence did what absence allegedly does best. I missed him (but then again, I missed him before he was gone). In the last of our phone conversations he said he loved me and sounded like he meant it. He even said he missed me too.

I picked him up in the same place I'd left him. He smiled broadly as the car pulled up along the curb. He kissed me lovingly as he got in. He rested his hand on my thigh as we drove for a while in silence.

"Everything's going to be okay baby", he said finally.

And just like that he set my mind at ease. All I wanted was for him to say he'd try. I don't expect perfection, but I do hope every day for our constant growth. Together.

Lonely.

I haven't felt like this in a long time. He's right here beside me, yet I still feel all alone. He's leaving next Sunday for a week. This morning I joked that he might like being away from us so much that he won't want to come back. No nagging wife, no whining kid. He said very seriously, "Nah, I wouldn't want to live in the Philippines." I wish he'd said that he wouldn't leave us, that he couldn't live without us. I think that's what I'm yearning for... I want him to want me.

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Marketing Strategy

Gay Guy #1: I think we should have a shirtless man outside our door like they do at Abercrombie.

Me: I don't like the way it smells in there. Smells like a teenage boy.

Gay Guy #2: Oh I love teenage boys! Maybe that's why I spend so much money in there.

Me: I've never seen you wear Abercrombie.

Gay Guy #2: I don't. Not my style.

Me: Wait, then why are spending your money in there?

Gay Guy #1: See I told you we need a shirtless man outside our door.

Motherhood 101

Evangeline climbs onto my bed and crawls into my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and says, "You are the best mom. I'm going to be just like you when I grow up". My heart swells. "You are?! Oh honey, that's so sweet. Thank you", I tell her. She looks up at my face and smiles, "Yup, I'm gonna grow taller, and have boobs, and I'm gonna scold everybody!" "Do I scold everybody", I ask her. "Yup," she says, "that's what mom's do".

You heard it hear folks, that's all there is to being a mother - tall, boobs, and scold everyone.

Sheesh.

You by Airto

(Background: My 3 year old daughter Evangeline has an iPod Touch. I loaded it with kid stuff - Sesame Street videos, songs from Annie, etc. Somehow some of my music and videos transferred over as well. It was the entire set of OneEskimo videos, and an Airto video specifically. Thankfully both OneEskimo and Airto are kid friendly. In fact, the OneEskimo videos are animated, though the premise of the series is quite tragic. Airto is a soul singer from the Netherlands made popular by YouTube.)

Evangeline is sitting on the couch poking at the screen of her pink bedazzled iTouch.

"Do you want to listen to Elmo, or the Eskimo, or my uncle?", she asks. She gives me no opportunity to respond. "Listen to my uncle.", she says, "Isn't he amazing?"



I love this song. Apparently Evan does too. Though I don't know where she got the "uncle" part from.

Where is Popo?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

We spent the evening at GG's mom's house. We arrived late, at 7:30, or so. Evangeline sat on Nana's lap for most of the time that we were there. She ate popcorn and drank cranberry juice. Adam fumbled punchlines, and drank too many beers. I enjoyed the fresh laulau's, and talked story with my mom (Nana). It was an pleasant, if not uneventful night. It was well after 10 when we got ready to leave. Nana carried Evangeline to the car. I slid behind the steering wheel. Adam buckled himself in to the passenger seat. As Nana strapped Evan into her carseat Evan asked, "Where's Popo"? "Who's Popo", Nana asked. Evan shrugged. My daughter and her made up words, and her imaginary friends. I thought nothing of it. We said our goodbyes and made our way home.

Mom called the the next morning to ask if we knew anyone called Popo. We do not. Mom says GG's gramma was called Popo and that her home once stood in the empty spot where we had been parked the night before. Maybe it was coincidence, but it was peculiar that Evangeline would say that name, at that moment, in that spot.

It's a boy

Saturday, May 29, 2010

(As we pull into the Kmart parking lot)

Evangeline: Mommy what are we doing here?

Me: I just need to look at the bathroom rugs. They're on sale.

Evangeline: Are we going to buy clothes for the baby?

Me: We don't have a baby.

Evangeline: You have a baby in your tummy.

Me: No I don't.

Evangeline: Yes you do. It's a boy.

Earlier that week Evan woke up early. She asked me where the boy baby was. Her exact words, "Where is your boy baby". I thought nothing of it. She must have had a dream...


Sunday, June 6, 2010

I am 9 days late.