Old News for an Old Friend

Aha! Now I remember. Islandmouse, that's right. But was it hotmail? I thought it was eudoramail. Shit! I can't remember the password anyway. And now I think I know where I went. Do you know that was almost 10 years ago? 

The mess I had myself in was pretty bad. My home life was changing. I think this was the year my dad went to prison. My mom and I moved in with my grandparents. And then my grandparents decided to move back to Utah. So my mom and my little brother moved into a one bedroom apartment. And I, on a whim, quit school and moved to Maui with an asshole. He was 16 years my senior. Very controlling, and jealous, and possessive, and manipulative. He had a drinking problem and a gambling problem. He was always sleeping with someone from his job. I was a kid. I was stupid. I always thought it was my fault. 

One night I caught him in another lie. I told him before I went to bed that we were finished. When I woke up the next morning I asked him if he remembered what I'd said the night before. He did. I packed up my stuff and never went back. I slept in my car for a week, I went to work, I bathed at the beach or at the gym, and I cried for all the time I'd wasted, and I cried for what he'd done to my self esteem, and vowed to never let anyone treat me as he had, and I promised myself I'd get back to good, and I'd be happy. I moved back in with my mom.

Meantime I had made a friend at work. Someone going through what I was going through. We did a lot of talking, I did some more crying. We did a lot of drinking. I moved in. (I know, I know!) So for a year we drank, and we partied, and we had fun, and then we got pregnant. So we stopped all of our drinking and partying. We got married. We had Arielle. And here we are.

I'm so lucky that after all of the heartache my poor decisions have caused me, this time it turned out okay. We are happy. I am happy. And he's great. His name is Andy.

Having Arielle has been amazing. I didn't know what I'd do with a baby. But now I can't imagine life without her. She a very cool kid. I mean, she's just a baby, but she's my little pal. 

I really do love your pictures. After we're done getting reacquainted you must tell me more about photography. I'm way amateur, but I've taken some cool shots. I really enjoy it. I'm a fiercely loyal Canon user. But it's just a digital point and shoot (SD850). I'm also coveting a Nikon D40. You'll have to tell me what you think.

As for my schooling, I haven't quite finished up. I still have another year. When Arielle can start preschool I can probably go back. So that's like a year away. Anyhow, it was Fine Art. I like to paint. My creativity outweighs my ability. My heroes are Matisse and a local artist named Kim McDonald (www.kimmcdonald.com).

This is so long. Sorry. But I think I've brought you up to date on me. Your turn. 

12/11/07

Choose Wisely

Being alone will never cause as much loneliness as the wrong relationship.

Well said...

while you're ignoring her,
another guy is giving her attention.
while you're giving her problems,
another guy is listening to those problems.
while you're to busy for her,
another guy is making time for her.
while you're making her cry,
another guy is trying to make her smile.
while you're not sure if you still want her,
another guy already figured it out

Torn

In the beginning....

My lover sits beside me
and the love of my life stands before me
the pain of this eats at me
My lover thinks only of me
thinks of my love for him
and his for me
The love of my life gives me this look like, "God, you disgust me"
He knows how I'll miss him
and how back to him I'll creep
It troubles him to to dis his friend like that, I can tell
but he will

And in the end...

It happens when the sun goes down
I'm all alone and there's nothing
to keep my thoughts from turning
to my lonliness and need for you
Our love, your touch, I took you for granted
I miss you

Letter to Myself, circa 1998

Dear Emmaline,

How you're fooling yourself!  He'll choose you a mere child.  He could fulfil your every fantasy in a physical way, but he'll never be enough intelectually, and emotionally.  You cannot make him happy.  You're fooling yourself to think for a second that he'll be faithful.  Think of what you will have to give up to be with him.  And he doesn't even love you.  He won't.  He can't.

So get over it.  Stop trying to convinve yourself that those lies you tell yourself will come true.

<3 Emmaline

Greasy Little Puerto Rican

He can't even think straight apparently neither can I because we're such different people from immensly different worlds and he'll hurt me and I'll cry for him.]

Confusion rocks my brain
'cause once he rocked my world
He's no good -
but I hear his voice
and my heart gives me no choice
but to fall once more
so far in love

To how many does he say the words he says to me
I wish in my eyes his future he'd see

I want to take him away from his mindless "boys"
take him away from the drugs he deals as a job
take him away from the one he calls his girlfriend
I'll pay her off, assure her that she need not make more babies to keep him to support her
I'll take care of him. She can't love him. He can't love her - how that would thwart my plans
I could educate him, teach him manners, give him culture, show him how to be civilized
Take him out of the slums of paradise
I could make him happy, be all that he wants
He's all I want

Why do I love him?  Why am I tripping on him?
I love him for the wrong reasons: I think he's sexy.  He pleases me.  He's exciting.
Why is he bad?  He does drugs.  He has 2 kids - one more on the way.  He's been with a million girls.  He deals.  He's abusive.

No one will ever know
just how deep my love
fo him goes though
how badly I want him
most eveyone knows

I look at you
and I miss you
and I hunger for you
How I need you
Look at me
Love me
Miss me
Want me back
Something?!

Since he I've had a few
but his face is all I see when I close my eyes
and to picture his face is to hear his voice
and the things he said
all the times he's told me he wants me

December 24, 1997

Under the blackest blue sky
lit up by the most magical moon in a hundred years
I walked along the same shore I'd walked along a thousand times
and saw it with new eyes
I had never seen Lanikai beach by moonlight
or shared it with someone I had such feelings for
I hadn't told you how I felt
but I longed to look at you and see that you felt the same
I wanted more than anything to be in your warm embrace
and touch my lips to yours
More than I ever dreamed tooj place that night
I found what I was looking for
I felt security in your arms
and heaven in your kisses
I fell in love

Rest in Love J.A.

David

He sits across from me on a couch
stacks of CDs to his left
the music coming from his right
he clumsily changes the CD and keeps singing
making goofy faces the entire time
He puts on something loud and intruding
listens to 15 seconds of it, then switches to something more mellow
muttering and complaining
the entire time, the music is sweet with a little latin flavor
He smiles at me, makes a face, then turns to look at nothing
He keeps singing and dancing in his seat
He closes his eyes and leans back
his arms at his sides, his lap lays open
He has a fatherly appeal
a comforting embrace I'm sure
I sit and gaze at him
I long to crawl into his lap
lay my head on his chest
and let him just hold me

Whore

I walk in your room
and you close the door
I really don't love you
but still I want more

Love
Promises, Sex
Falsehoods, Lies, Using
Fucking, Hurting
Hatred

I Was Such a Lonely Girl

Even though I dig my boyfriend
when it's dark and he isn't with me
when he hasn't called
loneliness seeps in
and i get the urge to
call those that would tell me
how they want me
and need me
and hunger for me
my desire to be "real"
and be faithful stops me
but how long before I give into my lonliness
and B**** S****?

Probably 1999

dark room so empty
where's that God
sharp razor cut my wrists
no pain maybe
no more tears
break her heart how
could i just can't
take it angels take me
saddened soul there's
no such thing as love
he lies and he hurts me
and i cry and
he doesn't care
smoke another cigarette
phone rings
i love you but
my heart jumps up and
rescues the words
before they're wasted
they'll fall upon
his deaf ears
loud music dark graphite
pour my thoughts
on paper to
clear my mind and
attempt at saving
my sanity

Arbonne Colors

Lips -
Pink Mauve
Ginger
Copper
Shell
Posh
Nude
Coral

Cheeks -

Blossom
Berry
Tafeta

"Dupes" (Mary Kay = Mac)

Copper Glow = Antiqued
Amber Blaze =Amber Lights
Honey Spice = All That Glitters
Almond = Saddle
Sienna = Texture
Coal = Carbon
Iris = Fig
Sweet Plum = Sketch

Cast of Characters in the Life of Evangeline

Lauren - the blue pony with the purple hair, she is "magical and beautiful"
Chocolate Cookie - tan bunny
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie - orange elephant

Riase - imaginary sister, age 4
Aunty Ku'i - Riase's mom
Uncle Tree - Riase's dad
Sour - Riase's little sister

Other notes: Riase's family lives on an island. Evan sometimes "talks" to Riase on the phone. Sometimes Evan uses Riase as her excuse, for example, "I need 2 cookies, one for Riase." Or "Riase's mom says she doesn't have to go to bed." She told me one night that Riase's mom wouldn't let her see Riase anymore. Evan was devastated - crumpled on the bed, sobbing. I told her to talk to Riase's mom, and tell her that she really loves Riase, and that she wants to spend time with her. The next morning she told me everything was going to be ok, and that she could see Riase again. Riase is a friend Evan "communicates" with, or talks about on a daily basis.

Soundtrack of my life (work in progress)

Track 1 Opening Scene
Track 2 Dreaming
Track 3 Waking Up
Track 4 Happy Friends
Track 5 Driving
Track 6 Action/Fight
Track 7 Chase
Track 8 Happy Love
Track 9 Dance
Track 10 Mellow
Track 11 Sex
Track 12 Angry/Bitter
Track 13 Break Up
Track 14 Evil/Revenge
Track 15 Contemplation
Track 16 Sad/Breakdown
Track 17 Death
Track 18 Funeral
Track 19 Nostalgia
Track 20 Credits

21 Why's

1. To send Evangeline to private school.
2. To send Evangeline to college.
3. To send Evangeline to dance lessons.
4. To send Evangeline to music lessons.
5. To finish my kitchen by April 2011.
6. To go to Disneyland in March 2011.
7. To buy a new wardrobe in 2011.
8. To restore Adam’s Jeep in 2011.
9. To buy Adam a new car in 2012.
10. To plant new grass in our yard.
11. To remodel or rebuild my house by 2016.
12. To take a cruise as a family 2018.
13. To travel as a family to Europe in 2020.
14. To buy the house next door in 2025 (or sooner if necessary).
15. To take care of my parents.
16. To take care of Adam’s mom.
17. To rebuild Adam’s house on Kauai.
18. To buy an apartment or condo as an investment.
19. To finish school.
20. To have a library.
21. To not have to struggle.

Filial Piety

The past is stronger than my will to forgive
Forgive you or myself, i don't know
-shawn colvin

I ask myself, should I forgive him? And even if I should, can I? And if I can, will I ever forgive myself for forgiving him? And if I don't forgive him, will I forgive myself for not forgiving him? And how lastly I think, how very unforgiving of me to do this to myself.

I'm a confused girl.

Thank God I have a good husband, because I have a shitty dad.

Why so serious?

Evangeline (very seriously): Look at my face Dad, does it look like I'm laughing?

Adam (while suppressing a laugh): I'm sorry Evan, it's not funny.

Evangeline (to Adam, with a scolding tone): You think it's funny when someone loses something?

Emmaline struggles to control her giggling.

Evangeline (to Emmaline): Mom, it's not nice to laugh at people.

Ahi Katsu

I just lied to my daughter. Our goldfish died this morning. Adam removed him from the tank, and I buried him. I thought I could replace him before she'd even notice. This afternoon she came to my room, "Mommy, you have to look at something; Ahi Katsu is gone". I had to think fast. "Remember in Nemo, when Nemo left the tank to find his dad?", I asked her, "I think Ahi Katsu went to find his dad."

It's bedtime now and she's asking if he's coming back. Do I get her a new fish and tell her it's Ahi Katsu? Or do I tell her he's not coming back and offer her a new fish? Or surprise her with a new fish? Or tell her the truth?

Just the other day she told Adam, "Daddy I hope you don't get dead. If you get dead I'm going to be really sad".

Recently she saw someone pick a dead bird up off the road and dump it in the trash and she was mortified. "Why didn't Uncle put the birdie back in the nest with his mommy" she asked me. I changed the subject. I know , I know, I'm a coward, but she just turned 4 a few days ago.

I'm not good with death, and I'm not ready to have this conversation with her. Despite the things she's said, I don't think she really as any concept of what death is. This is a tough one.

A lesson in kindness

Evangeline (to our cat Rufus): Rufus we don't eat lizards. That's no very friendly. You have to be kindly to them.
Evangeline (to me): Rufus can't eat the baby lizard or else his mommy is gonna be so sad that he got eaten.

Ada Madeline

In a beautiful blue lagoon on a clear day, a fine sailing ship spreads its brilliant white canvas in a fresh morning breeze sails out to the open sea.

We watch her glide away magnificently through the deep blue and gradually see her grow smaller and smaller as she nears the horizon.

Finally, where the sea and sky meet, she slips silently from sight; and someone near me says, 'There, she is gone!'

Gone where? Gone from sight, that is all.

She is still as large in mast and hull and sail, still just as able to bear her load. And we can be sure that, just as we say, 'There, she is gone!' another says, 'There, she comes!

Lunch with Zelda

I took a trip  with Zelda just before she died in 2005.  She had fond memories of her time in Ventura, California, and wanted to give me a tour of her old haunts.

She was a terrific cook, and loved fine food.  We shared some amazing meals along the California coast.  These delicious experiences were the highlight of our trip...


Suzanne's Cuisine
502 W Ojai Ave
Ojai, CA 93023

I had a Grilled Cheese Sandwich made with Asiago, Danish Emmenthal, Smoked Mozzarella, Tomato and Onion on Sourdough Brea.  I think I had a bowl of Tomato Soup as well, but the the Sandwich really stole the show.

Nona's Courtyard Cafe
67 South California Street
Ventura, CA 93001-2801

I had Gnocchi with Garlic, Olive Oil, and White Wine Sauce (like an alfredo sauce).  The food was good, but in that case it was the setting that made that experience memorable.  What a beautiful garden!

 

















Chase Restaurant & Lounge
1012 State St
Santa Barbara, CA 93101

Warm bread is served before the meal, and comes with butter, of course, and a dish of fresh shaved parmesan that you can sprinkle (or heap!) on the warm bread.  I had the Lasagna, and Zelda had the Fish Picatta.  Both dishes were excellent, but her Picatta was divine.

Zelda was was well spoken, and well read.  She was a graduate of UC Santa Barbara, and had a degree in English Literature.  She loved books and had a collection of signed first editions by Sue Grafton.

Zelda also loved to quilt.  My favorite was a patchwork done with 1 inch squares - it was incredible!  Her next quiliting project was to be made of old Jam's World shirts and dresses which she and I had collected from thrift shops.

Zelda collected 1/12th scale museum quality dollhouse miniatures.  She'd made a number of room boxes including a library, a screened in porch from a country home, a room with a Southwestern theme, and another room with a Christmas theme.

I remember she also collected Waterford Crystal and Le Crueset Cookware. 

Zelda loved cats, and had been a good mother to her cat Simone.  Before she died she made arrangements in her will for the care of her cat.  Sadly, when Zelda died her wishes were ignored and Simone was put to sleep. 

Zelda's vast collection of museum quality miniatures, along with a trunk full of quilts she'd sewn by hand were shipped off to a sister she never spoke to.  The rest of her possessions, including her fine crystal and cookware were sold off at a garage sale put together by the ex-husband she despised.

Zelda drank a bottle of vodka every day, and chain smoked cigarettes.  She had also been diagnosed with hepatitis, and desperately needed a new liver.  She was ineligible for a transplant due to her alcohol abuse.

Her ashes were scattered at Kailua beach where she had occasionally attended AA meetings.

Damn cat

Evangeline: Stop irritating me! You're driving me nuts. Ugh! Rufus is making me crazy!

Age 3, 12/25/2010

Faking it

My dad has another girlfriend and I can't stand her. I tried to like her, but I just can't... She's disgusting - kissing and hanging all over him, slapping his ass, and making sexual comments. She even tried to tell me about their sex life! Ick! She's insincere - calling me baby, telling me how beautiful I am, and insisting that she loves me. She's an ex-con, and I know, I know, he's an ex-con too, but it's different - she is a mother. She drugged out, and got into all kinds of trouble and left her kids with no one. Did I mention all 4 kids are from 4 different fathers?

Like I said, I've tried to be nice, but this bitch has pushed me to my breaking point.

Check out our last interaction -

Me: Tell Shana I said Merry Christmas.
Dad: Here you tell her. (As he passes Shana the phone)
Me: Hi Shana! Merry Christmas!
Shana: Uh, Merry Christmas to you too.
Me: What are you guys up to tonight? Are you doing anything fun?
Shana: Are you drinking?
Me: No! Why?
Shana: You just sound happier than you usually do?
Me: Hmmm, maybe I'm just faking it better than I usually do.

for malia, for betsy

December 31, 2009

As Malia prepares to leave heaven and join us here on earth she is met by her grandfather, Herminio Bautista. Malia and her grandfather greet each other warmly, and are surprised to see one another, as they did not expect to meet so soon. Grandpa Bautista explains to baby Malia that though his time on earth has finished, and they will not meet again when she arrives on earth. They are delighted that they have been blessed with this precious time to spend together in heaven.

Fast forward to the beginning of March...

Just before Malia will depart from heaven, Grandpa will place in her hands a glowing golden orb. "What is this Grandpa?", Malia will ask. Grandpa will reply, "It is the greatest gift I could give you. Hold it tight in your tiny hands, and as you descend to earth it will transcend your flesh, and dissolve into your soul. I am giving you the gift of everything that was good in me - my devotion, my integrity, my strength, and my courage. The orb will disappear, but the light that it emits will shine forever in your eyes, and when your mommy gazes into them she will feel my love". Malia and grandpa will hug each other tightly one last time, they will whisper their good byes.

This is where Malia's journey on earth begins, but as you can see, her birth was not the beginning of her story.

Cookie knows what's up...

If given a penny for every kind act, you'd be a millionaire.

-Fortune Cookie, Panda Express, 2005

Goodnight Thunder

Thunder makes me sleepy and laugh and sparkle and sprinkles.

Cast of Characters starring in the Life of Evangeline

Imaginary sister named Koma.
Imaginary brother named Em.

Plush dolly in a pink dress called Molly.
Plush Hello Kitty called Mary.
Plush Hello Kitty with a mermaid tail called Eela.
Tiny bean bag rotweiller called Hani.
White plush lamb called Kimni Lam.

Assorted imaginary cousins (unnamed).

Not a chance

December 6, 2010

It's Christmastime, and I've dragged Evangeline on countless shopping excursions with me this season.  She's been a good sport, exhibiting patience and restraint.  Everywhere we've gone she wants something - Hello Kitty this, lip gloss that, or some other pink something or other.  Each time she asks for something I've explained that we have to wait to see what Santa will bring.  She is clearly disappointed, but thankfully she doesn't usually continue push.

We were at our last stop this past weekend.  It was already late in the afternoon, and I could see Evan was worn out.  As we entered the store she didn't perk up, as she usually does.  We passed the purses, and she didn't even reach for one.  We trudged forward., and just as we passed the bathing suits she stopped hard, and doubled back.  I spun around and saw her staring at the bathing suits.

"Mommy, can I have this one," she asked nicely.

"I'm sorry Evan, I've already told you...  Santa is coming soon.  Maybe Santa will bring you a bathing suit."

"But Mom!  Pleeeease!"

"No Evan.  Not today!"

I walked away from the bathing suits.  Evan followed me reluctantly.

"I'm sorry babe, I know you're tired, " I tried to soothe her.  "Hold Mommy's hand, " I said, as I reached for her.

"Not a chance," she spat, and folded her arms.

Good God, if she is like this at 3, what will she be like at 16?

Low Point

He's lucky I hate myself. Nights like tonight, if I had any self confidence, I'd leave.

Behind the times, as usual

Maybe someday I will be so behind I will catch something for the 1st time that is actually on it's second wind and I will be current.

And then it hit me

He dreamt that we were walking over an overpass.  He turned away from me for just a moment, and when he turned back to me it was too late.  I had been struck by a car and killed.  Fast forward.  He is home alone with Arielle.  He says the house is empty.  He says she is sad that I am gone.  He falls asleep, and I come to him in his dreams.  These are bittersweet encounters.  He is glad to see me, but knows he's only dreaming.  In these dreams I try to assure him that everything will be okay, that he is doing a good job with Evangeline.  "It's so unfair for her that you are gone", he tells me.  He wakes up, Evangeline is beside him, and I am not.  He cries.  He sleeps.  He wakes.  Days go by.  I come to him in dreams, but not every night.  Every visit is the same, and always ends in tears.

He woke up crying.  2:33 AM  11/08/10

Who's your daddy?

November 9, 2010

I dreamt that Evangeline was sick. So sick she needed blood or marrow or an organ or something.  Adam and I, and the rest of our family had all taken tests, none of us had what she needed.  The doctors told us the best candidate would be Evangeline's paternal grandfather.  Adam told the doctor that that would be impossible, that his father had died.  Adam's mother came forward, and told him that she had lied to him all these years.  She told Adam that Uncle Jimmy was his real father. Adam was so angry.  He allowed Uncle Jimmy to save Arielle, but he would not to speak to him. Uncle Jimmy saved Arielle's life, but doing so left him weakened.  Uncle Jimmy died and Adam was devastated.

Dodoba - Through the Ages

When Evangeline was 2 she carried around a large green M&M made out of tin.  She would rub it under each of her little armpits, and called this giant green candy shaped container a "dodoba".  We soon figured this was her word for deodorant.

She stopped carrying it around after a half year or so, but still picked it up from time to time and rubbed it under her little "pits", after doing so she would ask you to smell them.

By the time she was almost four she knew the word deodorant, and could point the deodorant out in the bathroom, but she was still calling the chipped, dented green tin M&M her dodoba, and still rubbing it like deodorant under her arms.

Most recently -

Evangeline (seriously): Nana, do your pits stink?

Nana: No!

Evangeline: Do you have deodorant on?

Nana: Yes!

Evangeline: Okay.  Can I lay in you pits?

Nana (pulling Evangeline in for a snuggle): I guess so.

Evangeline: My dad's pits are stink!

(Nana bursts into laughter.)

Evangeline's Dream Job

Evangeline: I'm gonna have 5 jobs when I grow up.

Me: You are?!

Evangeline (matter-of-factly): Yup. I'm gonna have a candy one, and a gummy one, and a fruity one, and snacky one, and a shave-icy one.

Adam: Sounds like she's gonna own a crack seed store.

A preference for skinny jeans.

Instead of buying her the leggings I usually buy, I bought Evangeline a few pairs of yoga pants...

Evangeline: Mom, I don't like these pants! They are so tippy!
Me: Tippy?
Evangeline: Yes, they are tippy! See, tip, tip, tip! (Evangeline pulls the wide legged cuff of her pants to and fro.) They are tippy!

1st lesson on heartache, or is that just chest pain?

Evangeline: My heart hurts.
Me: Howcome your heart hurts?
Evangeline: Because somebody bent it.

Addicted.

Make-Up Wishlist
MAC Eyeshadow - Malt
MAC Eyeshadow - Symmetry
MAC Eyeshadow - Black Tied
MAC Eyeshadow - Tempting
MAC Eyeshadow - Beauty Marked
MAC Eyeshadow - Naked Lunch
MAC Eyeshadow - Brulee
MAC Eyeshadow - Honey Lust
MAC Eyeshadow - Shroom
MAC Eyeshadow - Satin Taupe
MAC Powder Shadow - Gana
MAC Pigment - Fairylight
MAC Pigment - Dark Soul
MAC Pigment - Reflects Gold
MAC Pigment - Reflects Antique Gold
MAC Fluidline - Blacktrack
MAC Glitter - Reflects Gold
MAC Lipglass - Fine China
MAC Lipglass - Oh Baby!
MAC Cream Color Base - Luna
MAC Paint Pot - Soft Ochre
MAC Paint Pot - Bare Study
NARS - Orgasm and Laguna
Urban Decay - The Nakeds Pallette - GOT IT!
Urban Decay Stardust Eye Shadow - Space Cowboy
Lorac - TANtalizer Baked Bronzer
Bobbi Brown - Apricot Shimmer Brick Compact

Delete.

I hate the word "super", and I'm going to make a conscious effort not to say it.

Recently I heard someone use it a few too many times in a conversation, well truthfully it was an argument, and she sounded so stupid. I listened to her go on and on, and suddenly I saw her for exactly what she was, a ditz, a "valley girl" so to speak, a lower-middle class nobody. "I am SUPER mad at you." "I think you are SUPER rude." "I am so SUPER pissed right now." (As if the "super" wasn't emphatic enough, she had to add the "so".) Couldn't she think of another word? She could have used any number of other words in place of super, or even omitted it entirely and still have gotten her point across.

It became clear to me that in her life had she shown more interest in intellectual development, and personal accomplishment, and put less emphasis on personal appearance, and social status she might have gotten more out of the private school education that her dad had practically sold his soul to pay for.

A Punahou education wasted, and a perfectly good word ruined.

What IS the point?

I was scolding Evangeline in the car the other day, Adam chimed in to add in his two cents, and Evan cut him off before he could even finish, "HeLLO-OH?! That's not the point dad!" I told her she could not talk to her dad that way, but I should have been more stern with her. I could barely keep a straight face though, I mean, where does she pick this stuff up? She's only 3! I can't even remember what I was lecturing her about to start with. My God, what will she be like when she's 15? Sassy girl!

The Story of Adam and Eve, as told by a 3 year old

Evangeline: Mom, you know God?
Me: (That's loaded I thought, but I knew where she was headed. I knew she was setting me up to tell me something about God, not asking if I had a relationship with Him) Yeah, what about Him?
Evangeline: You know Adam and Eve?
Me: Uh huh.
Evangeline: Adam and Eve didn't listen to God. God told them not to eat the fruit, and Eve ate the apple. God was mad at them. Eve was crying. They were so busted, yeah mom? They had to go on a long time out.

Folks I know

A lady called Impetuous - hotheaded: characterized by undue haste and lack of thought or deliberation

A boy named Supercilious - disdainful: having or showing arrogant superiority to and disdain of those one views as unworthy

I haven't lost mine...

In-teg-ri-ty
-noun
1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

I have found some of the best reasons I ever had for remaining at the bottom simply by looking at the men at the top. ~Frank Moore Colby

The Skinny

25 lbs between 10/01/10 and 12/31/2010 (13 weeks)
25 lbs between 01/10/11 and 04/18/2011 (15 weeks)

I will spend $1000 on new clothes if I reach my goal by my 29th birthday

Interested in your George Foreman Grill

I was interested in a few items I recently saw posted on craigslist, so I sent the following email:

Aloha,

I might be interested in your George Foreman grill. Do you know the model? How much are you asking for it?

I do hope you'll post pictures of some of your other items as well... Particularly your furniture and your Tiffany jewelry. :)

Good luck and happy selling!

Thanks,

From alisa_in_hawaii@yahoo.com I received such a rude response:

nope not showing pics.

this is a moving sale, like a garage sale.

first come first serve

this is not a store, you come look around and if you don't like anything you move on to the next garage/moving sale.

I am selling hundreds of items, post pics of what.........lol.

If I was to email pics back and forth I would not have time to go to work.

like the ad stated, interested email me your telephone number

mahalo

alisa

To which I replied:

I was simply showing interest in the specific items you mentioned in your ad. I know what a moving sale is, I know what a garage sale is. I know you're not a store, and I know it's first come first served. It was unnecessary of you to "lol" at my request for pictures. Pictures of what, you asked? Furniture and Tiffany jewelry I said. But nevermind. Please don't email me again. I have already marked you as SPAM. Good luck on your sale. Hope you're moving away from Hawaii, back to New York or wherever you came from.

Her response, which she titled "LMAO, stupid":

you are as ignorant as possible.

what do you want pics of your brain

I couldn't resist. I had to send her this:

You think I am ignorant? You don't even know how to use capital letters, punctuation, or structure a sentence. Do I "want pics of my brain"? Was that the best you could come up with? I've seen the picture you posted of yourself. You look like a bored, angry, old woman. Certainly too old to be using "LMAO". Do you think that's cute, or something? Old ladies that try too hard to act and appear young are not cute. They are lame. You're an ugly person inside and out. You're spoiling my Hawaii. Sell your junk and LEAVE! I was nice in my initial email, I don't know why you found it necessary to be so rude in your response. At this point I find your ignorance amusing. You're feeble attempts at wit will make great fodder for my blog. Please, keep 'em coming!

I should have left that last bit out. Now she won't want to play with me. And I was having such fun. I imagine this is what Adam feels like when he plays his video game.

Uncle Andrew, May You Rest In Peace

We pulled into the funeral home parking lot. Evangeline began to cry softly. "Papa is very sad", she said. "Today is a sad day", I told her. We got out of the car, and she kissed my dad hello. My dad stayed behind to finish his cigarette, while Evan and I approached the front entrance. "Everyone will cry today", she told me. We sat at the back of the room, I didn't want Evan to see the body. She asked me why we were there. I told her we came to pray. My dad came in quietly. He didn't look at us. He walked to the casket. The rest of the family hadn't arrived. My dad stood alone with his uncle's coffin. He turned to us, his eyes red, his face wet with tears. He wiped his face. He walked to the first row of chairs, and sat down. "Is this Papa's test", Evan asked me in a whisper. "Test?", I asked her. She repeated her question, "Is this Papa's test"? I shrugged. I had no idea what she meant, no idea what she was asking me. She looked across the room at my dad. "Today is Papa's bad dream", she told me. Family and friends arrived and began to file in. The room filled quickly. "It's so cold in here Mommy", Evan told me. It had to be over 85 degrees outside, and with the doors left open the funeral parlor was warm. I wrapped my arm tightly around her shoulders. "I'll keep you warm", I promised. The service was nice. People stood to say kind words about the deceased. My dad cried off and on throughout. Evan patted his shoulder lovingly in an effort to comfort him. At times she rested her hand on his arm. "Mommy, we are going to need lots of Hello Kitty after this", she said seriously.

I'm so Blue

Instructions for me, according to a handy little book called The Color Code, by Taylor Hartman -

1. Think rationally rather than relationally when pressured. Emotionalism can create chaos and unnecessary distress.

2. Clearly state your limits when others impose deadlines on you.

3. Settle for less. Perfectionism often narrows your focus, causing you to ignore other important aspects of your life.

4. Don’t set unrealistic expectations for yourself or others to the extent that everyone feels overwhelmed. Simply see goals as road markers rather than criteria for success.

5. Don’t personalize your interactions with other people. You may suffer from feeling let down by others or from quitting because you let others down. Concentrate on the task at hand rather than becoming emotionally discouraged or critical.

6. See time management as a compromise rather than “all or nothing.” If you fail to meet a deadline, learn to punt. It will free you to be more creative and less critical.

7. Realize there are limits to what you can control. You cannot control other people.

8. Set a ten minute time limit to worry about any topic in the day. When your time is up, so is your worrying. Get on with living in the present moment and doing what you can do rather than focusing on what is out of your control.

In other words - “Leave me alone, I’m having a crisis.”