Torn

In the beginning....

My lover sits beside me
and the love of my life stands before me
the pain of this eats at me
My lover thinks only of me
thinks of my love for him
and his for me
The love of my life gives me this look like, "God, you disgust me"
He knows how I'll miss him
and how back to him I'll creep
It troubles him to to dis his friend like that, I can tell
but he will

And in the end...

It happens when the sun goes down
I'm all alone and there's nothing
to keep my thoughts from turning
to my lonliness and need for you
Our love, your touch, I took you for granted
I miss you

Letter to Myself, circa 1998

Dear Emmaline,

How you're fooling yourself!  He'll choose you a mere child.  He could fulfil your every fantasy in a physical way, but he'll never be enough intelectually, and emotionally.  You cannot make him happy.  You're fooling yourself to think for a second that he'll be faithful.  Think of what you will have to give up to be with him.  And he doesn't even love you.  He won't.  He can't.

So get over it.  Stop trying to convinve yourself that those lies you tell yourself will come true.

<3 Emmaline

Greasy Little Puerto Rican

He can't even think straight apparently neither can I because we're such different people from immensly different worlds and he'll hurt me and I'll cry for him.]

Confusion rocks my brain
'cause once he rocked my world
He's no good -
but I hear his voice
and my heart gives me no choice
but to fall once more
so far in love

To how many does he say the words he says to me
I wish in my eyes his future he'd see

I want to take him away from his mindless "boys"
take him away from the drugs he deals as a job
take him away from the one he calls his girlfriend
I'll pay her off, assure her that she need not make more babies to keep him to support her
I'll take care of him. She can't love him. He can't love her - how that would thwart my plans
I could educate him, teach him manners, give him culture, show him how to be civilized
Take him out of the slums of paradise
I could make him happy, be all that he wants
He's all I want

Why do I love him?  Why am I tripping on him?
I love him for the wrong reasons: I think he's sexy.  He pleases me.  He's exciting.
Why is he bad?  He does drugs.  He has 2 kids - one more on the way.  He's been with a million girls.  He deals.  He's abusive.

No one will ever know
just how deep my love
fo him goes though
how badly I want him
most eveyone knows

I look at you
and I miss you
and I hunger for you
How I need you
Look at me
Love me
Miss me
Want me back
Something?!

Since he I've had a few
but his face is all I see when I close my eyes
and to picture his face is to hear his voice
and the things he said
all the times he's told me he wants me

David

He sits across from me on a couch
stacks of CDs to his left
the music coming from his right
he clumsily changes the CD and keeps singing
making goofy faces the entire time
He puts on something loud and intruding
listens to 15 seconds of it, then switches to something more mellow
muttering and complaining
the entire time, the music is sweet with a little latin flavor
He smiles at me, makes a face, then turns to look at nothing
He keeps singing and dancing in his seat
He closes his eyes and leans back
his arms at his sides, his lap lays open
He has a fatherly appeal
a comforting embrace I'm sure
I sit and gaze at him
I long to crawl into his lap
lay my head on his chest
and let him just hold me

Whore

I walk in your room
and you close the door
I really don't love you
but still I want more

Love
Promises, Sex
Falsehoods, Lies, Using
Fucking, Hurting
Hatred

I Was Such a Lonely Girl

Even though I dig my boyfriend
when it's dark and he isn't with me
when he hasn't called
loneliness seeps in
and i get the urge to
call those that would tell me
how they want me
and need me
and hunger for me
my desire to be "real"
and be faithful stops me
but how long before I give into my lonliness
and B**** S****?