I'm so Blue

Instructions for me, according to a handy little book called The Color Code, by Taylor Hartman -

1. Think rationally rather than relationally when pressured. Emotionalism can create chaos and unnecessary distress.

2. Clearly state your limits when others impose deadlines on you.

3. Settle for less. Perfectionism often narrows your focus, causing you to ignore other important aspects of your life.

4. Don’t set unrealistic expectations for yourself or others to the extent that everyone feels overwhelmed. Simply see goals as road markers rather than criteria for success.

5. Don’t personalize your interactions with other people. You may suffer from feeling let down by others or from quitting because you let others down. Concentrate on the task at hand rather than becoming emotionally discouraged or critical.

6. See time management as a compromise rather than “all or nothing.” If you fail to meet a deadline, learn to punt. It will free you to be more creative and less critical.

7. Realize there are limits to what you can control. You cannot control other people.

8. Set a ten minute time limit to worry about any topic in the day. When your time is up, so is your worrying. Get on with living in the present moment and doing what you can do rather than focusing on what is out of your control.

In other words - “Leave me alone, I’m having a crisis.”

My own flesh

Saturday, June 25, 2010

I had the strangest dream last night. The dream seemed to span the course of a day. We were at Jeff and Amber's house doing many things but nothing in particular. We played in the pool, we spent time with the baby, I ordered cosmetics from Amber, and I helped her mom make dinner. We were preparing to celebrate the one month anniversary of Mahina's birth. Night was approaching, we were sitting on their living room floor, Adam was having a beer. Something knocked the beer over. I say "something" because no one touched it, no one was touching the little table that it sat upon. Something bumped into me, bumped into Adam, bumped into Evangeline. We were speechless, shocked. I was bumped again, this time harder. Adam too. Evangeline was struck hard, knocked flat to the floor from her seated position. We were standing now, Adam grabbed Evangeline and pushed her to me. She clung to me and I held her tight. Something was pulling her away from me. I could see her hair being yanked. I pulled her to me with my left arm, and with my right hand I grabbed at what I couldn't see. I lunged forward intending to smash into it with my head and rip into it wit my teeth. I cried out and woke up. My own hand was in my mouth, my teeth digging into my own flesh.

Better now.

So off he went on his business trip. I cried as I dropped him at the curb at the airport, not because he'd be gone a terribly long time, but because we were parting with so many matters left unsettled.

The obstacles that had to be overcome in order to communicate while we were apart were many - the 16 hour flight, no international cell phone service, and an 18 hour time difference, just to name a few. These obstacles were of course stacked upon our other obvious recent communication issues made up mostly of angry words, hurtful tones, and hidden feelings. So days went by before I even heard from him. And when he finally called I let him spend precious moments with Evangeline.

But Absence did what absence allegedly does best. I missed him (but then again, I missed him before he was gone). In the last of our phone conversations he said he loved me and sounded like he meant it. He even said he missed me too.

I picked him up in the same place I'd left him. He smiled broadly as the car pulled up along the curb. He kissed me lovingly as he got in. He rested his hand on my thigh as we drove for a while in silence.

"Everything's going to be okay baby", he said finally.

And just like that he set my mind at ease. All I wanted was for him to say he'd try. I don't expect perfection, but I do hope every day for our constant growth. Together.

Lonely.

I haven't felt like this in a long time. He's right here beside me, yet I still feel all alone. He's leaving next Sunday for a week. This morning I joked that he might like being away from us so much that he won't want to come back. No nagging wife, no whining kid. He said very seriously, "Nah, I wouldn't want to live in the Philippines." I wish he'd said that he wouldn't leave us, that he couldn't live without us. I think that's what I'm yearning for... I want him to want me.

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Marketing Strategy

Gay Guy #1: I think we should have a shirtless man outside our door like they do at Abercrombie.

Me: I don't like the way it smells in there. Smells like a teenage boy.

Gay Guy #2: Oh I love teenage boys! Maybe that's why I spend so much money in there.

Me: I've never seen you wear Abercrombie.

Gay Guy #2: I don't. Not my style.

Me: Wait, then why are spending your money in there?

Gay Guy #1: See I told you we need a shirtless man outside our door.

Motherhood 101

Evangeline climbs onto my bed and crawls into my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and says, "You are the best mom. I'm going to be just like you when I grow up". My heart swells. "You are?! Oh honey, that's so sweet. Thank you", I tell her. She looks up at my face and smiles, "Yup, I'm gonna grow taller, and have boobs, and I'm gonna scold everybody!" "Do I scold everybody", I ask her. "Yup," she says, "that's what mom's do".

You heard it hear folks, that's all there is to being a mother - tall, boobs, and scold everyone.

Sheesh.

You by Airto

(Background: My 3 year old daughter Evangeline has an iPod Touch. I loaded it with kid stuff - Sesame Street videos, songs from Annie, etc. Somehow some of my music and videos transferred over as well. It was the entire set of OneEskimo videos, and an Airto video specifically. Thankfully both OneEskimo and Airto are kid friendly. In fact, the OneEskimo videos are animated, though the premise of the series is quite tragic. Airto is a soul singer from the Netherlands made popular by YouTube.)

Evangeline is sitting on the couch poking at the screen of her pink bedazzled iTouch.

"Do you want to listen to Elmo, or the Eskimo, or my uncle?", she asks. She gives me no opportunity to respond. "Listen to my uncle.", she says, "Isn't he amazing?"



I love this song. Apparently Evan does too. Though I don't know where she got the "uncle" part from.

Where is Popo?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

We spent the evening at GG's mom's house. We arrived late, at 7:30, or so. Evangeline sat on Nana's lap for most of the time that we were there. She ate popcorn and drank cranberry juice. Adam fumbled punchlines, and drank too many beers. I enjoyed the fresh laulau's, and talked story with my mom (Nana). It was an pleasant, if not uneventful night. It was well after 10 when we got ready to leave. Nana carried Evangeline to the car. I slid behind the steering wheel. Adam buckled himself in to the passenger seat. As Nana strapped Evan into her carseat Evan asked, "Where's Popo"? "Who's Popo", Nana asked. Evan shrugged. My daughter and her made up words, and her imaginary friends. I thought nothing of it. We said our goodbyes and made our way home.

Mom called the the next morning to ask if we knew anyone called Popo. We do not. Mom says GG's gramma was called Popo and that her home once stood in the empty spot where we had been parked the night before. Maybe it was coincidence, but it was peculiar that Evangeline would say that name, at that moment, in that spot.

It's a boy

Saturday, May 29, 2010

(As we pull into the Kmart parking lot)

Evangeline: Mommy what are we doing here?

Me: I just need to look at the bathroom rugs. They're on sale.

Evangeline: Are we going to buy clothes for the baby?

Me: We don't have a baby.

Evangeline: You have a baby in your tummy.

Me: No I don't.

Evangeline: Yes you do. It's a boy.

Earlier that week Evan woke up early. She asked me where the boy baby was. Her exact words, "Where is your boy baby". I thought nothing of it. She must have had a dream...


Sunday, June 6, 2010

I am 9 days late.

Oh baby

I think about adoption all the time. What right did I have to bring a baby into this world when there are so many already here that nobody wants. Can you imagine that? Babies that nobody cares for. Babies that nobody loves. Perfectly good babies.

It's probably unfair for me to voice an opinion on this, but I think having "one of your own" is overrated. That's easy for me to say since I already have Evangeline.

Despite my guilt for not adopting I know we'll have another one. Adam longs for a boy. A son to carry on his name, his bloodline.

I am impressed by her determination to procreate. I say a little prayer for her every time I think about her struggle to get pregnant.

Said the mother said.

I hate writing dialogue. Probably because I'm no good at it.

Said the mother said.

I caught my daughter pretending to read to herself the other day. She is 3, she can't really read. It was Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmans. Great choice. Anyhow I hear her making up the dialogue and then say, "Said the mother said". I guess she couldn't decide if it was "said the mother" or "the mother said" so she mashed them together.

Can I do that?

Sixth sense?

The wind blew gently and the door moved slightly. Evangeline looked up. "We're eating dinner, please go now", she said to the empty doorway. Adam and I exchanged glances, and continued with our dinner. Minutes passed. Evan looked up again,"I said, please go we're eating our dinner". "Evan, who are you talking to?", I asked her. "The little girl, "she replied. My eyes widened. I looked desperately to Adam. "What little girl Evangeline", he asked her. "The little girl that comes to play with me." I was terrified.

Fast forward three nights. "Daddy," Evan asked, "Why is that lady calling me?" "What lady?", he inquired. "The lady over there", Evan said as she pointed to nothing. "What does she say, " Adam asked. "She said not to listen to my mommy and daddy." Adam's face showed concern. "Don't listen to her honey", he told her. "Whatever you are, you stay away from my baby," my dad said out loud, "This is Jesus' house".

And the last straw. I was making dinner the other night at the neighbor's house. I ran out of garlic. "Evan, " I called, "Mommy has to to run home and get something. Let's go. We'll be really fast." She met me at the door and followed me back through the gate to our house skipping and prancing. She stopped abruptly fifteen feet or so from the front door. "I'm not going with you mommy", Evan said, her smile had vanished. "I'm not going with you, there is a man in my house". I picked her up and whisked her inside. I was trying to make dinner. I didn't have time for games. She was whimpering and her body was shaking. Chicken skin as I entered the house. I carried her through every room, showed her there was no one there. As soon as I put her down she ran from the house. I followed after her. I didn't ask her what was wrong. Maybe I didn't want to know. She didn't mention it again. We returned home hours later. Just as I was about to turn the knob on the door she said, "We can go home now mommy, the man is gone". Chicken skin all over again. I called Kalehua the next day.

Just a thought

I want to quit my job and be a farmer.

I'm new in town

I was never able to keep a diary, as I knew the point was to open up about my innermost thoughts. I couldn't be honest, even with myself. So fearful that someone else would read what I've written. Fearful of what was in my own head. Dreams, desires, how dare I?

So what makes me think this is for me? This blogging...

The Many Times

favorite song of the day: the many times by esthero feat. miguel

I sing to myself
Center myself
Get into myself
Over and over again
Sweet melodies on repeat
I tend to myself if need be

When I feel lonely
The many, the many, the many
Times I feel lonely

Imagine myself
Imagine your help
Imagine the movement of you
Over and over again
Sweet melodies on repeat
I tend to myself if need be

I can't help it it's just the thought of you
In my arms and in my bedroom
I can't help it it's just the thought of you
Come, come to me right now

You're making me melt
Like I've never felt
I'm kind of compelled yes
Over and over again
Sweet harmonies are just what I need to complete this song
It's been so long

It's good to know I'm not the only one that knows what I like

I love this song and I've listened to it a million times over and over again. I never tire of it. I know all the words, I sing along. But I've only realized just now that the song is as sad as it is hot. It's obviously about self pleasure (I tend to myself, if need be), but it's also about neglect (the many, the many, the many times I feel lonely). Or maybe it's just me, I can't help it it's just the thought of you.